I want to stick my p in your. b.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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