I puked a lego.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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