I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
