sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
