I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
