I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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