Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
