oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
