If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Randomize
