Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Randomize
