Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
