I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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