I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
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How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
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A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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