im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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