I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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