I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Randomize
