Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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