You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize