just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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