i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
