so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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