I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
