Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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