Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
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