I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
she told me i tasted like america
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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