kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
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I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
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Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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