What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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