The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
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