took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
