Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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