wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
My dad just said "fuck circus"
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
