FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
