I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
