apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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