im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
