I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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