if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
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