Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
