the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
That was an excessively violent trivia night
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
