Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
