It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Randomize
