she woke up with a sticky ear
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
