I accidentally burped into my bong.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
