Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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