Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize