there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
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