Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
