I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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