Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
