ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
