I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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