Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
