JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
