apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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