Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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