Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
