I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
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I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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